Artist friends, pack up your shit and go the fuck home.

Soon the talentless sweaty public will be able to strap some tech to their hand and draw circles around you. Or draw whatever they want actually. Draw like the masters through technology.

Well at least this way I will be able to rip off Kevin Maguire with a better degree of accuracy.

I am firmly behind this new technology and want to help the public have a better immersive artistic experience. As such I’m creating an app that when downloaded into your brainbox you will recreate the psychological traits that come with the years of dedication to honing your craft. Psychological traits included in the app are:- massive self-hatred and self-pity for your lack of talent, crippling envy of other artists that comes with constant self-enforced masochistic comparisons, fear and worry about where your next paying gig will come from, night terrors about wasting your life pursuing an unattainable dream, it will make you an insomniac that questions just exactly who you are without a pencil in your hand and whether you should give up on any artistic progression to try to be a middle manager at an insurance company.

Other add ons include the ‘spit at your wrists’ app that invoke such loathing at your own terrible work that you ‘spit at your wrists’ for not harbouring the right amount of talent in them, the ‘weep/wank drawing board’ experience app where you draw the same thing for 8 hours making it slightly worse every time, yet you are unable to see why, then the app just starts you masturbating roughly while crying onto your light box.

Available this Christmas.

And to think I took the hard way and sold my soul for this mediocre talent.